I looked upon my present
condition as the most miserable that could possibly be; that I was
not able to throw myself into anything but death, that could be
called worse; and if I reached the shore of the main I might
perhaps meet with relief, or I might coast along, as I did on the
African shore, till I came to some inhabited country, and where I
might find some relief; and after all, perhaps I might fall in with
some Christian ship that might take me in: and if the worst came to
the worst, I could but die, which would put an end to all these
miseries at once. Pray note, all this was the fruit of a disturbed
mind, an impatient temper, made desperate, as it were, by the long
continuance of my troubles, and the disappointments I had met in
the wreck I had been on board of, and where I had been so near
obtaining what I so earnestly longed for - somebody to speak to,
and to learn some knowledge from them of the place where I was, and
of the probable means of my deliverance. I was agitated wholly by
these thoughts; all my calm of mind, in my resignation to
Providence, and waiting the issue of the dispositions of Heaven,
seemed to be suspended; and I had as it were no power to turn my
thoughts to anything but to the project of a voyage to the main,
which came upon me with such force, and such an impetuosity of
desire, that it was not to be resisted.
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